For 22 years, Doctors William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian of the Center
for Marital and Sexual Studies in Long Beach, California, have been
faithfully recording the orgasmic response in their laboratory. After
hooking up subjects to blood-pressure and heart-rate monitors and various
sensors in the vagina or anus, the doctors would sit by the beside and
take copious notes as the subjects busied themselves. In an attempt
to head off accusations of prurience, they say such research is stupifyingly
dull, saying they had to "struggle to stay awake." However,
they overcame the tedium to spend 10,000 hours in the laboratory. After
several false starts (originally they had the subjects push a button
whenever they had a orgasm, but during the heat of the moment they usually
became too preoccupied to be concerned with the cause of research),
the study continued apace, eventually encompassing 751 individuals.
The most orgasms they recorded in an hour for a woman is a staggering
134, while the best men could do was 16. How we lesser mortals can hope
to achieve anything in that vicinity was not discussed.
Male Yet another example
of inequality in the sexes. The typical male orgasm lasts anywhere from
3 to 8 seconds, though its possible through deep breathing and regular
exercising to extend it to…oh, maybe 10 seconds or so. Pitiful, you
may think, compared to the Herculean orgasms accomplished by some women,
but sex is usually measured in terms of satisfaction of the male; in
fact, the anthropologist Margaret Mead uncovered societies in which
the female orgasm is unknown. So I guess it all evens out in the end.
As you probably know, women are capable of multiple orgasms without
having to rest between. However, as savant Cecil Adams expounds in his
book More of the Straight Dope, women are capable of so much
- What you probably
didn’t know is that women are capable of sustained
orgasm, called status orgasmus. These start with a 2 to 4
second "spastic contraction" and last twenty to sixty
seconds. Masters and Johnson (1966) published a chart of one woman
who experienced a 43-second orgasm, consisting of at least 25 successive
contractions. Status orgasmus is usually the result of self-stimulation,
but a woman can experience it at the hands (or whatever) of a suitably
Male Certain rare individuals—1
in every 1250 men, to be precise—can ejaculate by deliberately concentration
on sexual fantasies without any genital manipulation whatsoever, for
a total time to orgasm to be…well, right around zero seconds. As Kinsey
put it: "In such a case the psychic stimulation is entirely responsible
for the result." Truly, the mind really is the most powerful
In his book, Dr. Kinsey & The Institute for Sex Research,
Wardell B. Pomeroy recounts the case of one extraordinary woman who
had near-godlike powers in the sack. His words: "I remember one
woman who was capable of from fifteen to twenty orgasms in twenty minutes.
Even the most casual contact could arouse a sexual response in her.
Observing her both in masturbation and in sexual intercourse, we found
that in intercourse her first orgasm occurred with two to five seconds
after entry." [My emphasis] Ladies, eat your hearts out.
Besides us, who else would be concerned about ejaculate volume? Why,
fertility experts, of course. If ever in the vicinity of a large library
you might want to dig out a fun article entitled "The semen of
fertile men: statistical analysis of 1300 men," by Aquiles J. Sombrero,
MD et. al. and published in The Journal of Fertility and Sterility.
The data were collected from an outfit that performs vasectomies. Prior
to vasectomy each man was required to submit a specimen in a special
container, on which was recorded the time of collection and the duration
of abstinence prior to collection. The length of abstinence is probably
the most critical factor, as it has been calculated that a man generates
about 0.4 ml of seminal fluid for each day of abstinence. The mean volume
recorded was 3.2 +- 1.4 ml, but some were really off the scale: one
star produced 11 ml of fluid, more than three times the average. Another
source, Reproduction and Sex (Swyer, 1954), opines "volumes
up to 15 ml have been recorded," though it doesn't say where. No
doubt there are some who claim to have seen larger deposits, but I suspect
under close scientific scrutiny such claims don't quite (heh-heh) measure
Erection speed is determined by many factors, such as fatigue, how much
alcohol you've imbibed, the general health of the organ in question
(you do include pubococcygeus curls in your daily exercise regimen,
right?), and the degree of arousal. In Sexual Behavior in the Human
Male (1948) Kinsey records a few remarkable individuals who could
achieve erection in as little as 3 seconds.
Before the introduction of Viagra, men suffering from impotence often
underwent surgery for penile implants, the simplest of which consists
of two bendable, semi-rigid rods that are inserted in the penis through
an incision. When you feel the situation demands an erection, you just
bend you wazoo into an upright position (see photo), since what you
basically have is a giant pipe cleaner. The chief drawback of this method
is that you are left with a permanent erection, which can be something
of an embarrassment in locker rooms and whatnot. Such surgery was pioneered
in 1972, which means there are men waltzing around with boners lasting
conditions of unusual erection durations are called priapism.
This is the unfortunate result when blood is unable to drain as it would
in a normally flaccid penis. Priapic erections can be caused by blood
disorders, such as sickle-cell anemia or leukemia, but sometimes stem
from an inexplicable application of stupidity on the part of its owner.
A Guyana newspaper awhile back carried the story of one meatball who,
wishing to prolong an upcoming rendezvous with his girlfriend, overdosed
on cantarden, a drug used for putting horses to heat. Sure enough, the
drug had its intended effect, but the man discovered, to his horror,
that his penis had become painfully erect and refused to go down. After
days of agony, he reluctantly sought medical assistance, hoping he could
keep the whole thing confidential. Luck wasn't with him, and when
the word slipped out he soon became a laughingstock, nicknamed "staff
sergeant" by the locals. I mean, talk about adding insult to injury.
After three weeks of humiliation and misery he underwent surgery. Now
the only problem is he can't get it up. Ouch. Take lesson from this,
folks, and leave the drug experimentation to the professionals.
Arabs call it "the manner of serpents". In Tuscany,
it's known as the "angelic position." To us, it’s the "missionary
position," (erroneous, because in all likelihood missionaries had
nothing to do with it--the term dates to the 1960s), where the woman
lies down on her back with the male on top of her. Though some societies
favor other positions (Polynesian cultures, for instance) for the majority
of nations it accounts for 75% of all the positions used by married
couples and a somewhat smaller percentage for unmarried. Here in America
it's especially popular, used exclusively by 85% of married couples
(see Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, Little, Brown, and
On his third voyage, in 1777, Captain Cook visited the Pacific island
kingdom of Tonga, where he met King Fatafehi Paulah (reigned c. 1770-84),
36th of the Tu'i Tonga dynasty. A corpulent but husky octogenarian,
the king claimed that it was his royal duty to deflower every native
maiden. He said that he had never been with the same woman twice and
was presently performing his appointed task 8-10 times a day, every
day. Assuming he never wearied of his geis, and subtracting an arbitrary
65 days a year for illness and whatnot, he would have despoiled around
37,800 damsels during his reign.
Male Here’s a rundown of the leading contenders in this
(b. c. 1900)—52,000
In his famous 10-year sex survey,
Alfred Kinsey noted the case of a man whose frequency of coitus
was 33.1 acts a week, over a period of 30 years—almost 52,000 in
all. Other researchers have recorded examples of people who have
engaged in sexual intercourse twice a day for 30 years.
In his autobiography A View from
Above the legendary basketball star claimed to have intercourse
with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Presumably a large percentage
of that figure can be attributed to groupies, who are always an
eager outlet for the super athletes libido.
From the age of 11 until his death
at 72, the Saudi Arabian monarch had sexual relations with three
different women every night—except during battles. Using the same
method of conjugal computation as for that of Brigitte Bardot, Ibn-Saud
would have had a total of 20,000 different liaisons throughout his
lifetime. When I first read this it brought to mind a famous Mel
Brooks quote: "It’s good to be the King!"
Curtis Holmes (1944-1988)—14,000
Having lost his virginity at age
12 to a 36-year-old friend of his mother, John early on began on
a path of sexual indulgence that would ultimately cost him his life.
Blessed with an inordinately large manhood—by his own account 10-inches
long—John used his asset to launch his successful vocation as a
porn actor. At the height of his career he was making $3000 a day
from films and reportedly as much selling himself as a gigolo, in
addition to the payback and graft he was getting by drug running.
Through such bacchanalia it's estimated he copulated with more that
14,000 women in his life, both on and off screen.
Edward VII (1841-1910)—7,800
Rebelling against his strict childhood,
he turned to indulging himself in women, food, drink, gambling,
and sports. Though married, his wife turned a blind eye to his extramarital
activities, which continued well into his sixties and found him
implicated in several divorce cases. Its estimated he slept with
about three different women a week for nearly half a century.
George IV (1762-1830)—7,000
At the age of 17, this English monarch
was said to have become "rather too fond of woman and wine."
Like his father he lived extravagantly, earning a reputation as
a notorious gambler and a heavy drinker. When not boozing it up
he would enjoy himself in the embraces of numerous mistresses. An
apparent hair fetishist, he would ask each of his lovers for a lock
of hair, which he would place in an envelope to be properly categorized
and labeled. After he died his brother went through his personal
belongings and found 7,000 envelopes, containing enough hair to
stuff a sofa.
the Elder (39BC-14AD)—80,000
Daughter of Roman Emperor Augustus,
Julia was beautiful, intelligent, highly educated, and witty. Everything
a woman might want was hers, save one: sexual satisfaction. And
this not ten men, nor a hundred, nor a thousand could provide. Even
as a young girl she delighted in exhibiting her flawless body publicly,
preferring to wear translucent garments to maximize the exposure
of flesh. It was during her childhood that she embarked upon her
amorous adventures. Her lovers soon numbered in the dozens, then
hundreds, then beyond, said to encompass half the virile youths
of Rome. Still not satiated, she began offering herself to every
passing stranger, whatever his color, age, or appearance. With a
band of lascivious Roman women she wandered through the streets,
accosting passersby and sometimes dragging them into the nearest
alleyway, where the transaction would be swiftly concluded. She
persisted in her unseemly behavior for many years, until exiled
to the lonely island of Pandateria.
Dubois (c. 1770)—16,527
"In the 12 years I have been
married I have been had by perhaps 10,000 to 12,000 individuals,"
declares Mme. De Saint-Ange in Marquis de Sade’s Philosophy in
the Boudoir, a character based on Mlle. Dubois’ exploits. As
it turns out, this astonishing figure is still far below the actual
number tallied up by the renowned French Actress, who made a catalog
of her lovers over a 20-year period. The final count: 16,527 individuals,
which works out to about three per day.
Messalina (22-48 AD)—8,000
The wife of Roman Emperor Claudius,
Messalina used her venerable position to compel subordinates to
fulfill her sexual desires. At first she confined her activities
to tame palace affairs, but her desire to indulge in the wildest
of sexual excesses led her to search out new licentious adventures.
Once she converted a palace bedroom into a brothel, disrobed, gilded
the nipples of her tiny breasts, and invited the male public in
to be entertained for the legally regulated fee. Another time she
challenged a noted prostitute to a contest, insisting she could
entertain more men in 24 hours than her rival. Pliny the Elder writes
that Messalina won "for within the space of 24 hours she cohabited
Bardot (b. 1934)—4,980
At the age of 40, the French film
star boasted in an interview that she "must have a man every
night." Assuming that her need began at age 20, and subtracting
an arbitrary 76 days a year for travel, illness, etc., that would
mean Brigitte had a total of 4,980 nights of sexual activity—and
that’s without considering daytime liaisons.
de Lenclos (17th century)—4,959
France's greatest sexologist during
the 17th century, she set up a finishing school for she
was once proposed by Cardinal Richelieu to spend a night with him
in exchange for 50,000 crowns (worth about $20,000 in today's currency).
She took the money, but sent a female friend in her place.
Most Sex Acts
Since this piece was written more claimants for the female category
have come forward...uh, have declared themselves the record holders,
usually in relation to a video with their name followed by an arbitrary
number (made for documentation purposes, no doubt). As this author cannot
personally vouch for their veracity and the claims are beginning to
stretch credulity, no further entries will be accepted.
For the aptly titled flick The World's Luckiest Man (Vivid, 1997),
porn actor Jon Dough was required to do it with 101 women. Yeah, I know,
the sacrifices we have to make in the line of duty. Ever the trooper,
he managed 55 in one day, speedily moving from girl to girl (and act
to act), climaxing between 5 to 6 times. Taking time off to recuperate,
he did the remaining 46 two weeks later.
hoping to accentuate their video collection should know the movie suffers
from the same problem afflicting the World's Biggest Gang Bang
flicks (see below): i.e., exceptional quantity but questionable quality.
If you want to preview it yourself, you might want to clear your schedule
beforehand: the film is three-and-a-half hours long.
One of the stranger manifestations of recent times is this obsession
with big: big movies, big business, and now, it seems, big gangbangs.
The first of these, by a 22-year-old student named Annabel Chong who
had a voracious sexual appetite worthy of the mantle, was banged 251
times by 80 guys in a 1995 extravaganza (for free as it turns out, being
screwed the 252nd time by sleazy porno producers who stiffed
her out of her $12,000 fee). In April 1996 the record was surpassed
by the sultry Jasmine St. Clair, who engaged in sex 300 times with 51
different men. Unfortunately for those hoping for a little eroticism
this time around, it was obvious that Jasmine could barely conceal her
revulsion at the industry and was only there to pick up a paycheck.
February 1999 a woman named Houston set out to break all the records
for a new video, sensibly titled World's Biggest Gangbang III.
First, however, she would need to scrounge up some volunteers. An intense
publicity drive was launched, including a couple appearances on Howard
Stern, where she enticed listeners to be one of many to "sleep
with" Houston. The pitch was certainly effective: The thought of
making it with a 36DD blonde bombshell got the attention of every involuntary
virgin and dateless wonder in the country. On February about 60 of the
more intrepid ones arrived, armed with the required $85 HIV tests. Also
along were a passel of news reporters, at least 40 "professionals"
no doubt hoping for some free publicity, and an uncountable number of
curiosity seekers. At 11:30 a.m. the spectacle began. Despite the grand
buildup and hype, the sex itself seems in comparison anticlimactic.
Like the preceding gangbangs, speed was of the essence, so men were
hustled up to the waiting Houston and given a fixed amount of playtime.
After 10 hours of work, intermixed with a few brief breaks, the results
were computed. The final tally: 620 times.
so they say. The prevailing view among the crowd was that the numbers
were heavily padded, derived by a brand of arithmetic that would make
defense contractors green with envy. Many a cynical observer noted the
count seemed to grow at a faster rate than the action warranted, and
would inexplicably leap at times. Were the producers counting penetrations,
the number of times of physical contact, or every mope who watched?
At best this number reflects the organizers desperation in one-upping
their equally disingenuous rivals, and at worst outright fraud.
an interview with Salon.com
Houston told one reporter "No, no. It's not about sex…[The
guys are] in and out. It's an event. It's a world record. It's just
a freak show, basically. It's for fucking freaks. I mean, I wouldn't
watch it. I have Jasmin's video and I still haven't watched it."
You may want to follow her advice.
When a reporter asked Mae West (1892-1980) how she went about writing
her memoirs, the legendary sex star quipped, "I do all of my best
work in bed." She wasn't kidding. In her autobiography she writes
of how she and a sexual prodigy named Ted made love for 15 consecutive
Chastity didn't hold much value to our earliest ancestors—if you're
not propagating the species, then what good are you?—and so individuals
unwilling to perform were looked upon with something akin to scorn.
Celibacy as a cultural value first appeared in the fifth century BC
with the development of Buddhist and Jain monasticism in India. Of course,
India during this period was experiencing severe food shortages and
overpopulation, so maybe they were just reacting to the times.
Life-long celibates don’t usually go around proclaiming their frigid
existence, but I was able to turn up some info on several with the help
of my feckful readership--all scientists and mathematicians. Leave it
to the liberal arts majors to be more proficient at scoring tail. A
Tesla (1856-1943), Died age 87
Eccentric if brilliant inventor of electrical devices (among them the
AC generators that power most of the world), Tesla was less successful
at having a personal life. He shunned physical contact of any type,
going so far as to feign hand injuries to avoid shaking hands with people
he just met. One female acquaintance who grew enamored of Tesla reportedly
took the initiative and tried to kiss him, causing the reticent inventor
to recoil in terror. In all likelihood he died celibate at age 87.
Isaac Newton (1642-1727), Died age 85
Newt, it seems, was such a prude that he didn’t get into any relationship
until he was middle-aged, and most historians believe it went unconsummated.
It’s also unlikely that he availed himself of, ah, commercial outlets.
Erdos (1913-1996), Died age 83
Single throughout his life, Paul preferred to live a monkish, nomadic
life devoted to his studies in mathematics (he published over 1,475
academic papers during his lifetime). Of his celibacy he made no secret,
telling reporters that as a child he "could not stand physical
Chi Kung is an ancient Taoist art of body control (it dates back to
2700 BC) and claims to resist disease, retard aging, prolong virility,
and for all I know give oneself X-ray vision. Some have taken this unique
art to new heights, claiming to achieve sexual nirvana by strapping
weights to their penises and doing repetitive lifts. No kidding.
of this brand of Chi Kung begin their sessions with an hour-long warm-up
to stimulate the senses through breathing routines and stretches. After
the blood has been stimulated, the men retreat to a small room and dress
down to nothing but a T-shirt and a blue cloth wrapped around the midsection
(nudity is strictly taboo). After the penis has been manually stimulated,
barbells are then hooked onto a coat-hanger-like apparatus, which is
tied securely around the base with a scarf. Students then commence the
workout, which consists of several swinging and lifting motions designed
to really work the muscles. Beginners start out with two and-a-half
pounds, and some have eventually progressed to hefting truly colossal
weights—we're talking in the hundreds of pounds. A striking demonstration
of this was made in 1995 by a Hong Kong master named Mo Ka Wang, who
lifted over 250 lbs. two feet off the floor. Sounds pretty impressive,
and even if the supposed benefits fall flat you'll at least have an
extra method of carrying groceries.